Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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