Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
