so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize