Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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