I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can text with my tongue
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
