So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
