I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
