At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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