I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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