two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
