My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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