I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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