as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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