You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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