Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
try to milk me bitch
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