I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
