if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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