Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
