My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
