I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
