my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
