its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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