its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
