Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
FUCK WHALES
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
