fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It was confusing and full of hummus
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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