He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
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