I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
