I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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