i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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