I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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