If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
