My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
