So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My dick has a subreddit
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I came so hard my ears popped.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
