Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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