dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
