tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
