im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
