rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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