hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
