I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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