i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
