She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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