I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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