If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
