Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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