Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My cat gives me a boner
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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