Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize