he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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