i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
