I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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