Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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