My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
