How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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