shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
