I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
