Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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