Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
