I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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