Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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