Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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